Awesome Shaun wants to know: “I read your piece on empathy being the last way to help someone. It reminds me of a saying I heard recently that “No good deed goes unpunished.” I’ve experienced this so many times. I started trying to figure out why this happens. I think you’ve come really close to answering this in the piece on empathy. Could you nail this saying on the head for me in terms of energy, etc?”
Yes, Shaun. Yes, I can. In fact, it will be absolute pleasure to dissect, disprove, dismantle and destroy this totally bogus belief. Not that I have any kind of strong opinion about this or anything…
Where this belief comes from
Ok, so all of our limiting beliefs were formed when someone, at some point, noticed something happening, and then came to a conclusion about HOW it happened. These erroneous conclusions are then passed on to our offspring, in an attempt to save them from having to develop their own perspectives at some point (and possibly figuring out that many of those conclusions are total and utter BS.)
So, at some point, someone noticed that when doing something nice for someone, instead of being showered with gratitude and sexy undies, they may, in fact, have been turned away, sometimes angrily. In other words, they were told to eff off. Now, we know that helping others doesn’t always turn out badly. But why isn’t our help, which comes from a really positive place, always welcome? Is it because some people are just ungrateful bastards, or is there some other parameter in play?
What goes wrong
Let’s look at this from the perspective of the helpee (the one being helped) for a moment, shall we? I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, who is spending some time at a spiritual retreat. He’s visiting a friend there, and able to take advantage of all the amenities. When I spoke with him, he was ready to go home. The leader of the retreat was getting on his last nerve. My friend had recently had a major breakthrough and had released years of pent up anger. He was now spending some time processing that huge shift, and had withdrawn from the others in order to do just that. His intuition was spot on – he needed time alone and so spending time with others had become totally uninteresting to him. But the retreat leader, who is a very nice man, I’m sure, kept reaching out to him, asking him about what had happened. Perhaps he could feel some of my friend’s residual anger, or perhaps he simply misinterpreted my friend’s anti-social behavior as negative emotion, but he began to try to guide my friend away from anger (judging that as “unhelpful”) and into love. On top of that, the leader became convinced that the problem was a lack of self-love (perhaps because all negative emotion can be attributed to a lack of self love in the very grand scheme of things), and began telling my friend that he had to love himself more. There was only one little problem (actually, there are several, but I’ll get to that point in a minute): My friend wasn’t struggling with self-love (at least not directly) and wasn’t ready to move into love on the particular issue he was dealing with. He kept trying to tell the leader and the other staff that he simply wanted to be left alone (which is what he needed in that moment), but they saw his withdrawal as denial. The more he pulled away, the more they went after him, until he felt a bit like a cornered animal, ready to take someone’s head off in order to escape.
Unfortunately, this scenario is fairly common amongst the well intentioned. Here’s what went wrong:
My friend never asked for help
My friend had never asked the leader or anyone else for help. He hadn’t even officially joined the retreat, but even if he had, he hadn’t asked anyone to assist him with his process. He hadn’t asked verbally or vibrationally (otherwise, it would’ve turned out better); the help was being pushed on him, whether he wanted it or not.
Why this will not end well:
When you try to help someone who hasn’t asked for your help, it may come from a good place (an intention to help others), but it’s anything but inspired action. This type of help is actually quite condescending. What you’re saying is, “I, with my human mind, have determined that you are broken and I know how to fix you. So, if you’ll just listen to me, you’ll be ok. But if you refuse to listen to me, you’ll be doomed. There’s just no way you can do this on your own.”
Problem Number One:
My friend was not broken. No one is ever broken. And looking at someone as though they are, basically viewing them through a very low frequency lens, will not only make the viewer feel awful, but the person they’re looking at as well. People will rebel against such an onslaught of negative energy every time.
Problem Number Two:
It’s incredibly condescending to think that we, with our relatively limited minds (compared to Who We Really Are), could determine the best course of action for another being. We can only ever apply our own perspective and experience to any situation, and we can’t guarantee that this perspective will actually apply to someone else. Therefore, the best we can ever do is offer our opinion on what might help, but we can’t know for sure. Often, when we try to help someone without doing so from a place of vibrational alignment, we are trying to pull them in a direction that isn’t anywhere near where they want to be. Just because WE think they should go there, doesn’t mean that they want to or actually should.
Respecting the Process
There’s a reason why we have continued to evolve since the beginning of our time, and it’s not because one of us figured out all the answers somewhere along the way. There’s a natural process in place, one that we are now coming to understand through LOA, one which many of us understood through many other modalities over the course of human history, but not one that needs to be understood in order to work. If this process wasn’t in place, we would’ve gone extinct a long time ago (the same process applies to animals, plants and all that is).
Who We Really Are is always calling us toward what we want. Our inner being, our soul, God, whatever, knows exactly what we want and how to get us there from where we, in our human form, are. So, a perfect set of directions is always being broadcast to each of us, guiding us to what we truly want. And everything we do is in pursuit of this signal. The only thing that ever goes wrong is that we stop hearing the signal at full strength and then we become a bit lost. But we never completely become disconnected. We might turn down the volume on that signal for a while, but it has other ways to make itself heard. Our emotions and other manifestations will always show us how we’re doing. It’s an absolutely flawless process, and not one that we have to get involved in.
In fact, when we do try to get involved and we mess with the natural flow of energy, that’s when things really go tits up. Since the energy of Who We Really Are is pulling us towards what we want, and our emotions are giving us feedback on which direction we’re going, anyone trying to pull us in a direction that isn’t aligned with Who We Really Are is going to cause interference, which will translate as negative energy. To put it more bluntly: If you’re not helping someone from a place of vibrational alignment, you’re actually hindering them.
How we can truly help
So, how do we get into vibrational alignment, and what does helping from that perspective look like?
When you’re in vibrational alignment, you
- Don’t see the person as broken. Instead, you see them through the eyes of Who They Really Are – perfect, healthy, happy and on their own valuable journey.
- Understand that whatever they are experiencing is perfect for them in that moment and will help them get to where they want to go.
- Know that you don’t need to do anything to help them. They have more support than we can ever imagine.
- Know that they will get to where they want to go. We all will. Guaranteed.
- Know that in your human form, you don’t have all the answers (not even close). And you’re ok with that, because you understand that we always manifest the answers we’re ready for.
- Understand that there are an infinite number of paths that lead to a goal and you can’t determine which path is right for anyone but yourself.
When you help from a place of vibrational alignment, you don’t try to circumvent or replace the process. You don’t think that you “know better” than Universal Intelligence. You don’t hinder the process, you become part of it.
If you truly want to help someone, don’t try to control their process. Become part of it.
The Universe doesn’t need your help to do its job, but if you want to assist, you can. There’s a big difference between those two mindsets. The first is full of obligation and responsibility, while the second is just a desire. Mind you, it can be a strong desire, but it’s a desire nonetheless.
So, the Universe will provide all the help that a person needs, with or without you. But if you’d like to be involved, you can be. Here’s how:
- Get into vibrational alignment (see above).
- Allow the person to come to you (don’t try to help anyone who hasn’t asked for help.) Once you have some experience with this process, you may then follow your intuition when it tells you to go to someone, but be very careful with this. Make sure you’re helping from a place of alignment and not because you think you should or have to. Remember that you don’t get to determine whom you can help.
- Ask questions and really listen and absorb. If you find yourself tuning out and formulating the “answer” before you’ve even really heard the question (or if there’s a question at all), you’re not aligned. You’re being a DO-gooder, not a BE-gooder, which is just freaking annoying. Stop it.
- If you’re a vibrational match to helping this person and they are a match to the help you can provide, then they will manifest what they need through you. You’ll be inspired to say just the right words, or take just the right action that will help them get the clarity and help they need. Notice that at no point does this entail you figuring out what they need. Let yourself be inspired. This may also mean just sitting, listening, and shutting the hell up.
- Don’t require anything of the person. For example, don’t be disappointed if they don’t take your advice. The person may have gotten exactly what they needed from just your words and energy. Their new clarity will guide them to their next actions, which may not match the examples you gave. Don’t require them to know what you’ve done for them or to be grateful. Often they will be, but not always. If your intention was to help instead of to be acknowledged, then you’ll be ok with that.
- Remember that how THEY feel has nothing to do with YOU. You may have helped someone get to the next step, but that next step may still be far away from Happy Happy Joy Joy. Allow them to be wherever they are in their own process and don’t try to make them feel better just so that you don’t have to view their suffering.
The more I work with energy, the more in awe I am of the perfection of this natural process. When I coach, I trust this process and simply assist my client with allowing it. The transformations that happen when working that way are nothing short of phenomenal. The other energy healers I know who work in such a supportive manner feel the same way. In fact, we are all noticing an increase in the efficiency of the process – as the global energy is speeding up (and boy, is it ever!), we’re seeing healings take place in record times. People are feeling the pressure of their limiting beliefs more than ever, but they’re also shifting out of them faster than ever before.
But, to bring this all back to the original question and tie it all up with a nice, tidy bow: Good deeds are not punished, unless they come from an arrogant, know it all, albeit well intentioned place. In that case, the reaction you get to your “help” will show you exactly how off you were. Good deeds coming from a place of alignment will lead to miracles. Now you know. You’re welcome.
Image Info: Those of you who follow me on Facebook will be familiar with the Bullshit Fairy. For those of you who don’t, you should totally follow me, or the Bullshit Fairy may not leave any money under your pillow the next time you lose a belief. You’ve been warned.